Mixed Emotions
How Did Life Change For Me?
I felt proud of myself for doing a big, scary thing. I felt hopeful. I felt nervous about what people might say, would they look down on me and say I took the “easy way out”? I was curious about how much weight I’d lose and how fast I’d lose it. I wondered about loose skin, about a thin and aging face. I was nervous to go out to eat with a date, how I’d explain my tiny appetite.
The time immediately after surgery held a lot of hope and some nervous energy. I wanted people to notice the weight loss immediately, and yet the newfound attention was unnerving. Why was I suddenly worthy of attention when I’d been invisible for so long?
Why?
I felt conflicting emotions – so thrilled at the compliments I was receiving, and angry that it had taken weight loss for me to receive them. After all, I was the same person on the inside. Why was weight loss making me more “worthy”?
My Answer… Sorta
Fast forward two and a half years. My life is better than it’s ever been. I met and married the man of my dreams. I feel lovable and beautiful (most days, anyway). I live a life of abundance and gratitude. But why? Someone recently asked me if my happiness was a direct result of the surgery and I struggled with an answer. Was it simply weight loss that had turned my life around? I didn’t want to think of it that way.
The best way I can describe it is a snowball effect. When I lost weight, I was able to move more. As I moved more, I had more energy and became more vibrant. As I became more vibrant, I felt like speaking up more, being seen more, working on my business more. As I took more action my confidence grew, I set new boundaries and raised my standards for how I would allow myself to be treated.
I hate that I bought in to society’s notion that bigger people are worth less, are less beautiful, than slimmer people. But the truth is that I did. And I still struggle with the answer to that question: did the surgery make me happier? Perhaps. But I want people to know that it’s ok, too, to be a larger person and be happy with who you are and where you are right now.
Moving Forward With Life Goals
If you struggle with ambivalence on these questions, or if you just want to keep improving your quality of life, schedule a Discovery Call with me and let’s see if we can work together.
All my love,
Brandy