Discovering Beauty

I never felt beautiful. I felt big. Very big. And my primary goal was to be invisible, or at least shrink to a size that wouldn’t offend the person next to me on the plane. I squeezed myself tightly, squashed myself into booths that were too small for me, used a soft, tiny voice so as not to appear too big. When I laughed I tried to “hold it down” so as not to appear too boisterous. When I walked into a room I willed myself to become smaller, to transform into a “normal” person, while looking for furniture that would hold my weight.

I regret those years of stifling my voice. I regret that I wasted all that time not feeling beautiful as I was. I was precious and had so much to offer. Now that I’ve lost weight, I still am precious and still have much to offer. But not more than I had before, I just use my voice now. I laugh as loudly as I want. I take up space unapologetically.

I have mixed feelings about the weight loss. Sure, I feel WAY better now. People notice what I’m wearing and pay compliments. I’m not winded walking to my car from the grocery store. But I don’t want to imply that I’m more WORTHY now. I always was, I just couldn’t see it in myself. It wasn’t reflected back to me in the faces of people like it is now.

I feel beautiful now, not because I weigh less, but because I’m using my voice. I’m being more authentically me. I’m discovering what I really feel, what I really want to say instead of just trying to be liked. I’m loving the me I’m becoming.

This week I’m loving myself with flowers. Lots and lots of flowers. Surrounding myself with the beauty I love and see in me.